Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jon and Kate

Inspired by Jon and Kate, Heidi and Spencer, and Megan Fox (brought to my attention originally by Kurt), I am creating a new segment on Brandon's Theory called "WHO CARES?!"

Jon and Kate had over 9 million people watch their last episode and here is what I think...


You know what? I am not even going to rip into the 9 million of you who tuned in to watch. Someone could certainly make the case you all are goobers for tuning in to find out "who cheated on who and why" in America's favorite large family (especially since the Duggers and their 900 children whose name all start with the same letter seem to have fallen out of the spotlight in the past year or so). Instead, I will agree that it may have been interesting to see what all the fuss was about if I were not busy with other things that actually affected my life.

What I WILL rant about is Kate. She pops out a lot of children, exploits them on camera, and then leaves them all behind with her husband while she goes out on publicity tours touting her her show and her books. If she were beautiful or inspirational I might care, but she is mostly just greedy with really bad hair. Can we just talk about that for a second? Does she think she is edgy? She gets between 50 and 100 thousand dollars PER episode, aside from books and appearances, and she cannot afford a serious hair stylist? Who did that to her? In the immortal words of Lilly Moscovitz in the Princess Diaries, upon seeing her best friend's new coiffe, "Oy. Who destroyed you? You look ridiculous. You should sue!"

Dear Kate,

Sue your stylist.



Now we get to the real point. American tuned in because Jon and Kate's marriage was in trouble and there was some hanky-panky going on with a third part. WHO CARES? How many marriages end in divorce? Most of them. Statistically, legally, undeniably MOST of them. Should we be surprised that theirs is not perfect? Even a priest or nun sometimes divorces the church by going back into the secular world to live an average life. Should we be comparing Kate to a nun? I think not - aside from her husband, she has eight little violations ot sacred vows running around on television. Who cares?

And there was some infidelity in a marriage where a billion offspring the wife is controlling, has bad hair, and is never home. Surprising? Do we even blame him? I mean, i guess he could have just divorced her, but my guess is he wanted to but she would not let him because it would destroy her show and take her out of America's awareness forever. Poor Kate. well I hope she is happy now - she kept him around to keep her fame, but now she is famous for being a heartless piece of crap. With really bad hair. Really bad.

Jon and Kate's marriage is rocky and so many people are up in arms about the sanctity of marriage screaming doom, apocalypse, and "what will become of us all?!?!" Give me a break! They were nothing sacred. Now if Heidi and Spencer had marital problems, I might start to worry.

Dear Jon and Kate,




Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Drag Me to Hell

I went to the screening of Drag Me to Hell tonight, and this is what I think...

I think the movie was amusing and certainly a mix of every horror/comedy film ever made, but there was something even more horrifying/comedic in the theater tonight, and his name was Fat Bastard. Okay, that is probably not his real name, but he was so huge that parts of him overwhelmed three seats.

If he were on an airplane, and he paid for three seats, and he were not too close to me, I might have been somewhat okay with it. Unfortunately, he was another critic's guest, and two of the seats he was "occupying" were already being used by others (one belonged to the friend who brought him and the other belonged to the boyfriend of another unusual character named Heather, who was tagging along while her boyfriend/critic was there to gather material for another "smart but very very very very silly" review). And you know what is worse? This comment may banish me to an even lower level of hell, but I really hate when I see big people eating disgusting, junk foods. You know you do, too. Yeah, I know...some people have medical issues and some people have serious psychological issues...and I really do believe that and empathize. BUT. When your fat is getting in the way of others (like spilling over on top of them) and you add insult to injury by acquiring MORE of it right in front of everyone, then I have a problem with you. Fat Bastard, go home and eat celery until you regain your health.

I am going to play Pollyanna now and find the silver lining. Oh snap, move over, Pollyanna - I found TWO!

Number One (slightly silver): He was well dressed and polite.

Number Two (gleaming): He was supposed to sit next to me but his critic friend wanted to sit with another critic friend of his, so he moved his reservation to the row in front of us!!!! Thank God. Best part of that story: when he changed seats, FB was still out getting the snacks when his critic friend asked Heather if there was room for he and a friend. Maybe he should have confessed that his friend ate an elephant on his way to the theater before he asked her to agree to that.

I think there should be size restrictions on theater seats. And before you yell at me for being heartless and rude, please try to realize that this man was not large, or even fat. He was absolutely enormous. Unhealthy. Scary. Unfair. I am not just ranting about "fat people," I am exasperated by the man who brought new meaning to "extra extra extra extra large." You got it, I just invented that phrase and he already brought new meaning to it.

I think if you are big enough for me to live inside of you, you should respect the people around you and show up early enough to reserve three seats for yourself.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle performed in the semi-finals of Britain's Got Talent on Sunday and this is what I think:

I still love Susan. I love her voice, I love her story, I love her awkward look, and I love her choices of songs. Les Miserables and Cats?? Love it. (Oh, and I also love this ridiculous painting of her...WHAT?!) Admittedly, her performance of "Memory" was not as great as "I Dreamed a Dream," and, in fact, there were some disastrous nerves peeking through early in the song, but it ended wonderfully and I love her no less.

You know what else I think? Britain's Got Talent is so much better than America's Got Talent. I fondly remember AGT's first season with the hot, all-male tap group, the supremely bendy archer, the creepy quick changers, and Philly's child wonder (and winner) Bianca Ryan, but I think the car that Brandy used to accidentally run someone over (allegedly causing her to be removed as a judge??) also ran over the show's talent and intrigue by season two. Is there a case to be made here about talent shows peaking in their first seasons (**cough cough** American Idol)?
I am not claiming that BGT has more talent, but I do think its production value is much greater with its helluva dramatic soundtrack and seriously sappy editing. Oh, and, need I remind you...they gave us Susan Boyle?

I think if I were any other contestant in this season of Britain's Got Talent, I would be seeking a lawsuit against Susan Boyle for stealing the show.

I think that if the British people do not vote Susan through to perform for Her Majesty, The Queen, Americans will start another revolution.

I think I cannot wait to see her performance in the finals!

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day and this is what I think...

I wrote an email this morning and, near the end, I remembered that today was a holiday, so, as all cultured persons are trained to do, I threw in a "Happy Memorial Day!" As soon I finished typing it, I realized how stupid it was.

Memorial Day was designed to honor those who died in war. Happy? Are you kidding me? I think we should say "Sad Memorial Day," or, at the very least, "Somber Memorial Day." It reminds of a commentary delivered by Laurie Anderson that I once saw on youtube, in which she expounds upon the profundity of our national anthem. She points out that the entire song is just a man, watching a battle, asking "hey, can you see anything through the smoke and dim light of the morning? I think I see a flag, but there is an awful lot of commotion." Seriously?

I love the endless renditions of our national anthem offered by celebrities and wannabes at all sorts of sporting events and ceremonies, so I certainly do not want it to be changed (as many have suggested in the past, and I am sure some are continuin to whine about), but it IS rather ridiculous that this simple poem about war was turned into our national anthem.

And what is that really saying about the US? "We love war and destruction! The red glare of rockets is so beautiful. . .as long as our flag is still standing at the end. We are so brave." Vomit.

Seriously, though - I do love hearing the song be performed, so please do not change it if you ever find yourself with the power to do so.

And Happy Memorial Day!