The Real Housewives

I just saw the lost footage episode of The Real Housewives of New York last night, even though TRH of New Jersey already started, and this is what I think...


I actually do not get much of a chance to watch television, and I am none too upset about it, but Kurt and I do have a soft spot for the mindless reality shows of Bravo (Make Me a Super Model, Millionaire Matchmaker, and, of course, The Real Housewives of...at least of New York). Admittedly, Kurt was a fan of the housewives long before I even knew who they were, but I have seen enough episodes to get the overall scoop, and I have some thoughts about these (mostly) fabulous women. Now that the second season has officially come to an end, I think it is clearly time for Real Housewife Olympics, and here are the final standings, in order, starting with the last place finisher...


Kelly Killoren Bensimon


First of all, let me start with the most sophisticated psychoanalysis I will offfer in this article: Kelly is a moron. The ex-model may be pretty with nice hair and cool clothes, but nothing she says makes sense. When she confronts people, and those people respond wth valid points, she comes up with amazing insights like, "stop! just stop! i'm not doing this! no STOP! stop talking! you're ridiculous!" For the record, this is not a direct quote, but I guarantee that all of these words have come out of her mouth during confrontations that SHE started. What a moron. Who raised and educated this woman? A school of fish?


In short, Kelly was a complete ass in every episode that I saw, and I think it is pretty clear that the rest of the world agrees.


Dear Kelly,
You suck.
Love,
Brandon (and everyone else)


Alex McCord


Apparently, Kelly was not in the first season (and who thought it was a good idea to invite her to the second?! Obviously someone who no longer has a job). Therefore, my least favorite of the original housewives is this woman (and I use that term loosely), Alex. Alex looks like a man, talks like a man, and goes by a gender-ambiguous name. On top of that, she is married to the gayest man who ever danced across the planet Earth, and I think that, in reality, they are just a gay male couple with one of them posing as a woman so they could get on TRH of NY. Alex, though much more eloquent, is almost as blah as Kelly. She does very little, has a relatively uninteresting personality, and never actually answers any questions. Additionally, she and her flamboyant "husband," Simon, decorated their Brooklyn apartment in the most garish and repulsive way imagineable - one that only clubbing queens would.


Dear Alex,
You are a man and your husband is a woman. Oh, and your kids are the worst behaved mongrels I ever saw on television...including Sally Jesse's wild teens (hey, remember those awesome episodes?! I miss those big red glasses, too...).
Love,
Brandon


LuAnn de Lesseps


LuAnn is a countess, but not even that makes her very interesting. She wrote a book on etiquette, and she does seem to be, generally, a very classy woman, but there seems to be nothing going on in her life...ever. The only people she interacts with on TV are the teenage girls in her family and their friends...people upon whom she tries to bestow her Countessal expertise in matters of decorum. I am as a big a fan of formal rules of etiquette as the next guy (or at least the next guy who also wishes he was a Victorian gentleman or Marie Antoinette when she still had a head...) but, give me a break, Countess, you are boring and your rules are irrelevant.


Dear LuAnn,
I do not really have anything against you, but I do not really have anything for you, either. Oh, and sorry that things did not work out with you and the Count. I think the most important part of your marriage remains clear: you kept your title. Brava.
Love,
Baron Brandon...shut up, my title is almost as valid as yours.


Ramona Singer


It was really tough to decide if I liked LuAnn or Ramona more. I almost picked LuAnn because she had a title, but I went for true value in the end...Ramona says whatever she is thinking and she sticks to it. I like that in a girl. Especially a rich, powerful, New York City business girl. You go, Ramona.


Never fear, my bronze medal finisher certainly has her drawbacks. Greatest/worst of all, her eyes constantly exhibit that "headlights in the deer" look. No, I did not mean "deer in the headlights," her eyes ARE the headlights. They are HUGE. I mean enormous, freaking headlights. They are scary. Plastic surgery? Genetic defect? Disaster. But, no worries, she does not claim that beauty is her greatest asset. Just listen to this gem, straight from her own mouth: "My business head? Ten times better than my beauty." You said it, sugar.


Dear Ramona,
You are kind of a space cadet who believes she has a great "business head," but you are mostly just a lot of frou-frou...frou-frou-tutu...tutu-frou-frou-tutu! Hey, once again, you said it...not I.
Love,
Brandon

Jill Zarin

Jill is awesome. She is a Long Island Jew of the greatest variety. She has a sharp wit, she spends money like a champ, her mom is kickass, and she actually makes sense when she opens her mouth. Oh, and her long, bright red hair is awesome, too. You know what else? While many of the housewives had some pretty fab outfits, Jill could always be counted on to wear something unusual, and I applaud that.

Dear Jill,
Please accept my silver medal in the Real Housewife Olympics.
Mazel!
Brandon

BETHENNY FRANKEL

What? I accidentally put her name in caps? Bull. I did it on purpose! Bethenny is the shit. There is nothing empty, shallow, moronic, fake, or boring about her. She claims to be uninteresting and have no friends, but that is CLEARLY not the case. Bethenny's dry sense of humor and complete "realness" make her, by far, the greatest housewife (I would just like to mention that I intend no disrespect to Jill with that remark and, in fact, I think it is noteworthy that Jill and Bethenny are bff). I know Ramona runs her own very serious business, LuAnn nabbed an ancient title and wrote an etiquette book, and Kelly managed to marry famous photographer Gil Bensimon when she was actually important in the world of fashion, but Bethenny is a natural foods chef and New York Times best selling author (currently!). Beat that, other housewives.

Aside from her complete awesomeness, she is gorgeous, has beautiful black hair, has a serious grip on reality, and always, always, ALWAYS looks like a million dollars. In order to be a gold medalist millionaire, you damn well better LOOK like a millionaire, and Bethenny certainly does.

Dear Bethenny,
My name is Brandon, my boyfriend's name is Kurt, and we want to be your new best friends. To steal a line from the turtle in Finding Nemo, you so totally rock! Please accept your gold medal (and our friendship) and, um...wear it (?)...with pride. If TRH of NY is over forever, please get your own show.
Love,
Brandon

Now that TRH of New Jersey has begun, I think there is one very important comparison to make. No matter how I felt about each of them individually, the housewives of NYC sailed the magnificent yacht of class, elgance, and wordly wealth. The housewives of New Jersey, apparently, are desperately bailing out their dinghy of ghetto, and I hope it sinks when the NYC yacht sails by.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey are gross, and I am not watching them. It should have been clear from the commercials, but I subjected myself to their premiere, and I regret it. Vomit. Get them off of my television.